Unfinished Conversation Book

Unfinished Conversation
Healing from Suicide and Loss-A Guided Journey

Robert E. Lesoine
With Marilynne Chöphel, MFT

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Unfinished Conversation chronicles a path of transformation from anger and despair to compassion and liberation.”
—Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace

“Beautifully written, this book is pure medicine for the grieving heart.”
—Tara Brach, PhD, Radical Acceptance and True Refuge

“This eloquent book is a personal companion for those left behind, a friend nudging us forward with compassion and wisdom.”
—Christopher Germer, PhD, Clinical Instructor, Harvard Medical School, author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

“Expertly woven into the raw feelings expressed in the journaling of Lesoine’s loss are the tools and techniques that will help to understand, heighten, experience and refine these emotions. The authors claim this journey will help anyone left after a suicide find greater perspective, meaning, and wellbeing in their lives. I agree without reservation… Unfinished Conversation is a book that I will use in my own clinical practice and one that I will recommend to friends and family. The book helps to create some understanding out of an experience that is largely devoid of it. Most importantly, the book helps to believe that there really is hope that it gets better.”
—American Association of Suicidology

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Authors’ Acknowledgments

3 Stages of Trauma Recovery

If traumatic memory is worked with directly, it can contribute to re-living the trauma and further destabilization. Instead, the focus of recovery is on helping you create safety and stability, develop internal and external resources, transform your relationship to past trauma, promote mind-body-emotion regulation and integration, and create the conditions for optimal personal and relational health and well-being. There are three stages of trauma recovery:

There are three stages of trauma recovery:

Stage 1: Safety and Stabilization: Overcoming Dysregulation
As a first step, you must first learn to comprehend the effects of trauma: to recognize common symptoms and to understand the meaning of overwhelming body sensations, intrusive emotions, and distorted cognitive schemas. The achievement of safety and stability rests on the following tasks:

  • Establishing bodily safety: e.g. abstinence from self-injury.
  • Establishment of a safe environment: e.g., a secure living situation, non-abusive relationships,
    a job and/or regular income, adequate supports.
  • Establishment of emotional stability: e.g., ability to calm the body, regulate impulses, self-
    soothe, manage post-traumatic symptoms triggered by mundane events.

Establishment of emotional stability: e.g., ability to calm the body, regulate impulses, self-soothe, manage post-traumatic symptoms triggered by mundane events.

Stage 1: Safety and Stabilization: Overcoming Dysregulation
At this stage, the focus is to overcome the fear of traumatic memories so they can be integrated, allowing appreciation for the person you have become as a result of the trauma. In order to metabolize (not just verbalize) memories, you may make use of EMDR or other mind-body therapies. Pacing ensures that you don’t become “stuck” in avoidance or overwhelmed by memories and flashbacks. Since “remembering is not recovering,” the goal is to come to terms with the traumatic past.

Stage III: Integration and Moving On
You can now begin to work on decreasing shame and alienation, developing a greater capacity for healthy attachment, and taking up personal and professional goals that reflect post-traumatic meaning-making. Overcoming fears of normal life, healthy challenge and change, and intimacy become the focus of the work. As your life becomes reconsolidated around a healthy present and a healed self, the trauma feels farther away, part of an integrated understanding of self but no longer a daily focus.

~ Janina Fisher Ph.D. ~
www.janinafisher.com